Love Lessons

Our wedding day, 1997. Hey, I just wore those same shoes last weekend! (Photo: Cindi McDonald)

​​Recently, Ray and I passed the twenty-five year mark as a couple, and in a few months we'll celebrate our twentieth wedding anniversary. I realize those numbers aren't record-breaking—we all know couples who've been together twice as long or longer. And my mate and I aren't claiming to be paragons of contented couplehood. Still, we've learned a thing or two about durability over the years. 

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Sometimes it's the little things that spell love

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​Here, then, is a handful of those lessons, offered not as instruction, but as an invitation for you to share your own thoughts about what makes a relationship endure, whether it's a marriage, a friendship or a close connection with a family member.

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Milwaukee, 1993 -- our first motorcycle trip together

Early days in Detroit (Photo: Emily Everett)

Snowshoeing

​Grow together, and you won't grow apart
In the early years of our relationship, our common connections were motorcycles, alternative music and our independent streaks. Over the years, our interests shifted, and we explored new territory together—some figurative and some quite literal, like when we took the big leap of moving to Newaygo County, knowing next to nothing about the place. While I like to think I'm generally open to new experiences, Ray's curiosity and "why not" attitude have enhanced my own. From snowshoeing to building fairy houses and co-writing fairy stories for a Camp Newaygo fundraiser, all these ventures have enriched us individually as well as giving us more mutual interests.

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Thanksgiving in Newaygo, 2009

Exploring new territory leads to new shared interests

Woodland walk

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​But sometimes, separate
I spend most mornings practicing yoga, meditating, reading, writing and answering email, while Ray goes for walks and putters with projects in his workshop. On weekends, he might head off to a car show or woodworking demonstration, and I might play with my camera or attend a writing workshop. When we come back together, refreshed by our individual pursuits, we have new experiences and insights to share and more to talk about than whether it's time to take out the garbage.

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Accentuating the positive (Photo: Donna Terek)

​The five-to-one formula
A few years after Ray and I got together, when I was still a staff writer at the Detroit Free Press, I wrote an article about research at the University of Washington's "Love Lab." That’s where psychologist-mathematician John Gottman was engaged in a long-term study of hundreds of couples, trying to tease out behavior patterns predicted marital success or failure. One of Gottman's key findings was that lasting marriages have a magic ratio of five times as many positive feelings and interactions as negative ones.

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​Ray and I don't keep a running tally--how silly would that be? But we seem to have developed an internal counter that prompts us to balance every tense exchange with a slew of more loving ones. It makes for a sense of safety and comfort that fosters even more warm feelings.

​Partner stretch
When my yoga friends and I practice together between classes, we warm up with partner stretches—poses in which two people support each other to flex in ways they couldn't on their own. In the same way, Ray and I partner up to tackle whatever needs doing. Sometimes that's a physical chore like clearing snow or moving a heavy piece of machinery, but just as often it's a mentally draining task, like organizing tax materials--something either of us could do alone, but which feels much less dreadful when we work together. Plus, sharing the load keeps resentment at bay. 

Sharing the load

Watch where you dump that stuff!

Laundry love note

Señor Banana lookin' fine

Breakfast table tulips

​Surprise!
Ray is an absolute genius at coming up with little surprises that inject a touch of whimsy into otherwise ordinary days. He has created love notes out of folded laundry, dressed bananas in costumes and left bunches of hand-made tulips on the breakfast table, all for no other reason than to make me smile. While I'm not nearly as good at improvising spur-of-the-moment treats for him, I try to compensate with more calculated surprises. One of the most-appreciated was a three-volume set of "This is your Life" style photo books (which I labored over for months), filled with pictures of Ray and loved ones, from his childhood to the present. Now I just have to figure out how to top that!

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Opening the photo books

Hanging on! (Photo: Sally Pobojewski)

​Hang on
Rough patches? Sure, we have those. Doesn't everyone? And we're not always graceful about getting through them. One thing I've learned to keep in mind, though, is that everything changes. If you're patient and calm, something will shift, and you'll find a way through. 

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Now it's your turn. What have you learned about creating and maintaining lasting relationships?